I'm an Airhead, and Other Political Matters

Thursday, March 11, 2010
This is how it usually goes when I try out a recipe...
I saw a recipe for biscuits and sausage gravy in the Taste section of the Dallas Morning News. I thought-fun...I've always (and when I say 'always'-I mean for the two days that have passed since I saw the recipe) wanted to try making homemade biscuits.
Sausage Gravy? I've never wanted to make that, but it 'went with the recipe.' I like gravy, though I don't smother food in it, or feel sad when it's not there. I like sausage. But I don't like creamy meat (I think I've stated this before) and this borders on this life philosophy I've adopted).
I don't know why I try things I don't really like expecting that I'll like them-as if the reason I don't like them is because I've never had them cooked correctly, and like I'M going to be the one to cook them correctly. I digress....because I can, but I'll get back on topic...because I should.
So....I carefully read the biscuit instructions. I know this is important because....like I said "this" (as in the story below) happens all the time, so when I cook, I always try to be really careful. I cut in my cold butter, and realized it also needed cold crisco. I measured the crisco threw it in the freezer to make it cold. Problem solved. I don't know why things that call for cold butter need you to not handle it much, but I know it's best to throw these things in the oven as cold as possible, and to handle it as little as possible.
I began forming my biscuits, and boy was that stuff flour-e. When I tried putting my cut biscuits on the parchment lined pan-it was like I was just mounding piles of flour down. They wouldn't hold their shape. I thought-this is the weirdest bread dough I've ever worked with (because eating lots of bread makes me the expert on making bread?). I tried squishing my piles, utilizing those little butter chunks, but it was still just little precarious piles of flour-e butter. I placed my flour piles in the oven (which had about 4 steps to baking-changing the temperature, rotating the tray etc-all indicating complicated steps=the best biscuits).
I walked over to begin the sausage gravy....and looked at the ingredients only to realize: I forgot the 1 1/2 c. of buttermilk in the biscuits!!! Are you kidding me? I forgot the only wet ingredient and didn't realize it when I was wondering why the piles of flour weren't forming into biscuits? When I say this happens ALL the time, I kid you not...at LEAST once a week I miss a major ingredient. It's what I do. I can even line them on the counter and look over after putting the dish in the oven and see the spinach for the spinach lasagna still sitting there as the 'spinach lasagna' bakes. True story.
I quickly pulled the already warm, melting piles of flour out of the oven and tossed it back into the bowl. There goes the cold butter...and who knows what other chemical reactions were going on that ruined the 'perfect' biscuit goal. I remixed, and the dough now seemed....like biscuit dough...go figure. I threw them back in the oven.
When the timer went off after ten minutes (time to turn the tray, turn down the oven etc), I realized I had also turned OFF the oven when I pulled the biscuits out to add the buttermilk, a habit. So my, once buttermilk-free, warm-butter biscuits were 'baking' in a cooling oven.
I turned the oven back on, gave up on the turning, temperature changes, and just let them bake until finished.
They didn't rise as well as I thought they might....or should I said-it worked out better than I thought after baking for 5 minutes without buttermilk, baking for 10 minutes without a heated oven, and baking the entire time with parchment paper turning to charcoal (I don't know) because at least they rose a little?! The taste was actually OK.
As for the rest...I still don't like sausage gravy, and the recipe made enough to feed an army. The biscuits were good, but it was my first try. I'm going to need to try them AGAIN with, you know...the buttermilk.
What does this have to do with politics? Nothing. But if I ever need to filibuster a session in Washington DC....I think I'm going to discuss my cooking issues. It's just one of those stories I probably should have saved for my time in DC when I need a purposeless story to fill time in protest of....well...whatever my party it protesting. I've got the aimless, pointless stories down PAT. I'm an airhead filled with hot air. Now that I've decided I'm running for office....I better go work on my campaign poster....and what I'm campaigning for...and my inauguration ball gown. Does anyone other than the president have an inauguration ball? If not, I guess I'm running for president. I can already see the red, white, and blue themed party supplies. It's cool if you plan your own inauguration, isn't it? I'll be 35 in 2015-can I count on your vote?


Charles and Heidi said...

Your cooking experience sounds so much like many of mine that I think I could easily qualify as your campaign manager. Although, I do lack organization skills. Will that be a problem?

Anonymous said...

I was so confused! BTW, the governor has an inaugural ball. You can be my date, if you want.